Soft

Chapter 6 - The first forced feeding

I did not wake up locked in the attic one morning.

Escalation is rarely that clean.

The first incident happened downstairs.

I was twenty-seven weeks pregnant.

Patricia prepared my feeding.

I smelled something different near the connector.

I asked:

“What did you put in it?”

“Nutrition.”

“What?”

“Something to help you settle.”

“No.”

I reached for the line.

She moved my hand.

“Claire.”

“No.”

Michael was filming from the kitchen doorway.

I said:

“Turn that off.”

“Why?”

“Turn it off.”

He lowered the phone.

Or appeared to.

Patricia said:

“You cannot keep refusing everything that makes you uncomfortable.”

“This is my tube.”

“And my granddaughter is living off what you allow into your body.”

There.

The baby.

Always the baby.

My refusal became selfishness.

I tried disconnecting the line.

Patricia grabbed my wrist.

Not violently.

Firmly.

Michael said:

“Mom.”

Patricia:

“She needs the feeding.”

I said:

“Call the dietitian.”

Michael replied:

“It’s after hours.”

“Then we wait.”

Patricia:

“No.”

She continued.

I cried.

Vomited later.

Patricia said:

“You worked yourself up.”

Michael said nothing.

The next day I told my obstetrician the feeds were making me sicker.

She asked:

“Any changes to formula or schedule?”

Michael sat beside me.

I looked at him.

He smiled weakly.

I said:

“No.”

That was one of my mistakes.

Fear does not remove the fact that the word came out of my mouth.

No.

I lied to my doctor.

I told myself I needed more certainty before accusing a retired nurse of tampering.

I told myself Michael would stop her privately.

May you like

I told myself we could fix it at home.

The lie delayed help.

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